What Scares Me The Most
by idreamandwrite
Summary: Written immediately after watching the season finale of Signed, Sealed, Delivered. Introspective piece written from Oliver's point of view about what "scares him most", what is in that letter to Holly, and why he decides to mail it after all. Of course, totally made up and based on my own hopes and dreams :) Adding chapters as I finish them. Let me know what you think! Thanks!
1. Chapter 1: What Scares Oliver the Most

My heart was beating hard against my chest. I could see Shane fighting back the tears while she watched the moment of pure happiness pass between Norman and Rita. I, on the other hand, was not feeling 'unsquashable'. Whatever the opposite of this feeling was, that's where my heart was at.

Yet Norman's grand-mother had said, _"Do the thing that scares you most"_. Only then would I be able to find happiness for myself. Quietly, I stepped out of the room and took a deep breath to calm my shaking hands and weak knees.

What was I most afraid of? There was Shane and what I felt for her, of course. My emotions were running wild every time I was around her – which was every day – and I felt like I was sinning no matter what I did: telling Shane how I felt would sure mean I was cheating on my wife? Not telling Shane, and risking her finding out at some point in the future would make it impossible for us to continue to work together. Even coming to the point where I can think about having feelings for Shane without instantly shutting down that train of thought … I am so confused!

Yet, while we were waiting for Mrs Pane to come around after her surgery, I had realized that my feelings for Shane were not what scared me most. The letter I carried in my jacket's inner pocket was burning through the fabric of my shirt, right over my heart. It stung, it rubbed, it made it difficult for me to breath … it was just a piece of paper, I kept telling myself, but it seemed like it was tightening a rope around my chest and slowly suffocating me.

I hadn't mailed it yet because I was terribly afraid of the consequences of my actions. I was afraid of the changes it would mean for me and even more so I was afraid to admit to myself that I had been wasting the last few years waiting for a miracle I knew deep down would not happen.

When I had walked into the office earlier that day and found Shane at my desk, for one moment I had hoped she had read the letter. It would have made everything easier and removed the need to tell her what it said. And I have to tell her.

Sitting in that bank vault, a week ago, thinking that my time on this planet might be over, had brought things into perspective. Holly, my wife, would not return to me. She had just leased an apartment for three years in Paris, making her intention to stay – and not to return to me – quite plain. To keep waiting for her, to keep hurting over someone who obviously didn't even care to get in touch to let me know how she was doing – that was madness. I had been living in that state for so long it took Shane and her unorthodox ways to shake me out of my convenient lies and self-deceptions.

So I had told Holly I was moving on. I told her that I had been waiting for her, faithfully, hoping for her return and to be reunited with her as my wife. I had expressed how I had hoped that we could be better together – that I had tried to be more like the man she wanted, less like the man I was. How I had been checking the Paris mailbox every day since the day she walked away. I needed to tell her that, so she would understand that I had taken the commitment to our marriage seriously, even after she had abandoned the vows that bound us together.

But after all this time, knowing now what I know, I had finally found the strength to ask god for help – to help me decide what to do next. And I knew that I had to move on and let Holly go, let our marriage go, and turn towards the future and leave the past in the past – I was not breaking my vows and I felt that god would not punish me for seeking new happiness in my lifetime. After the limbo I had held myself in for so long, I wanted to establish clarity again and I had asked Holly for a divorce. My letter was goodbye to my wife, goodbye to my role as a husband, and goodbye to the dreams and hopes I had held for our mutual future.

The future that I now had started to dare dream about did no longer revolve around Holly nor even include her. I could see, in the distance still, yet I could see Shane. Her passion, her humor, her loyalty, and her acceptance of who I was made me want to get to know her better, spend time with her. I could not do that as long as I had not made it clear – to Holly, but equally to myself – that my marriage no longer was and I was not committing sin by entertaining these notions.

How long had I been standing in the rain? I don't know. I was soaked to the bone, the water running into my eyes and mingling with the tears that I shed for the pain the past had brought me. My hands were still shaking, but the mailbox I was leaning against stood firm, waiting patiently for my decision, offering support until I willed myself to pull out the letter.

I could still decide otherwise – I could decide not to mail that letter, not to put it into the waiting opening and send it off and end an entire chapter of my life. But I needed to. I needed to do that thing that scared me most and with a deep breath I pushed the soaked piece of paper into the mailbox and closed it.

For a moment, nothing happened. No lightning struck, no choir of angels burst into song. But then I felt it. That incredible weight that had been sitting on my shoulders had disappeared. The crushing pain of indecision and fear was gone, and so was the constriction of my chest.

I stood taller, finally being able to breath again! Then I felt her, and when I turned there she was. Shane was standing in the rain, the water rolling off her umbrella in sheets. The question was clear in her eyes, but so was her compassion. She wouldn't ask, she respected my need for privacy too much for that. But even without knowing if I had stepped towards her or away from her, she was willing to help and to feel for me.

And in that moment, I knew I had made the right decision.


	2. Chapter 2: What Scares Shane the Most

"…and then he mailed the letter", I finished breathlessly and buried my face in my hand.

"Oh, _Shaney_", Becky sighed on the other end of the line.

"I don't know what to think. I don't know what to _feel_ or even what I feel right _now_. Becky, I think I'm scared."

"But, Shaney, you don't know what the letter says. It could be that he's telling his wife that he's had enough. God knows, he has every right to."

"He's a gentleman, Becky", I replied. "And I mean, his picture should be in the Wikipedia article about what it means to be a gentleman. You have met him, you know how he is. I don't think he would ever consider it acceptable to break up with his wife via letter."

I flopped back on the bed and stared at the ceiling of my apartment. _'I am doomed'_, I realized. I was talking to my best friend about my boss, in the middle of the night, and it was not because of work related issues but because he had my stomach and heart up in a twist. _'What have I gotten myself into here?'_

Wait, that wasn't my fault.

"What have _you_ gotten me into, Becky!"

"Ah, now, wait a minute." I could hear her puff and move around, probably getting a late night snack. "First of all – yes, Oliver seems to be a true gentleman. Which means he didn't include the divorce papers in the letter but probably rather asked his still-wife to help him resolve the situation in a way that lets them both walk away without any further harm. He needs to do this first, because he would never consider approaching you in any way with his marital status unresolved."

"But what if he asked her to come back? That's the thing that keeps going around and around in my mind. What if he loves her still and wants them to rekindle their relationship?"

"Shane McInerney! Have you got eyes or do you not!"

_'Uh, oh.'_ I was in trouble. Becky only called me by my full name if she was really angry with me.

"Seriously, Shaney, please catch the train to reality land, honey. Oliver O'Toole has feelings for you, it's as obvious as night is dark and day is bright."

If I hadn't been lying on my back, my jaw would have dropped to the floor. As it was, I only made a laughable gurgling sound as I tried to say something. Finally I spluttered: "Why would you even think that?"

Becky laughed. "Your two co-workers, Rita and Norman? Would you say they have feelings for each other?"

"I'm a bit confused why you'd bring them into this, but yes. It's a miracle they haven't caught on the feelings of the other one yet. Beats my why not."

"When I look at you and Oliver", Becky said, "I see the same thing. It's not as obvious as Rita's face lighting up with a smile every time Norman looks at her or Norman staring gooey eyed at Rita when he's thinking about something, but Shane: Oliver sneaks glances at you, consciously or subconsciously, all the time. He got so nervous when I caught him in the Mailbox Grille after our conversation and if he wouldn't care about you, he would have reacted indifferently. He was reading a book about becoming more _funny_ after you had told him that his sense of humor was lacking. Why would he do that if he didn't care for what you thought of him? He ended your dance lessons after a dance that stirred something in both of you and something he wasn't ready to face. When he reports to me about the DLO in our monthly calls, he speaks highly of all of his co-workrs, but when he talks about you, he sometimes stutters and he becomes terribly formal – as if he is trying to cover up something else."

I snapped up from my bed. "**What**?" I yelled. "Why haven't you said anything to me?"

"Shaney, these feedback meetings are only for department heads and supervisors, you know I can't share anything that's said there. Strictly speaking, you should forget what I just said."

"As if that was a possibility", I snorted, then sank back to the bed. Was it really possible that Oliver did feel for me, something similar to what was wreaking havoc in my own heart? I hadn't dared to entertain the notion, certainly not after the way he had hurt my feelings when he had confessed just using me to become a better dancer for his wayward wife. Well, I hadn't dared to entertain these thoughts _consciously_, but obviously I was hoping so much for there to be more subconsciously. Otherwise I would have to see a cardiologist for my rapidly beating heart.

When we had _danced under the stars_ at Ellie's and Bobby's wedding, there had been something. I sure felt it, something in Oliver's smile that said that, for just a moment, he was truly happy. No thoughts of Holly, no worries about appearances – he had simply been content with _me_ in his arms. We had been perfect – no misstep, no slipped hand, no hesitation. We had moved as one and I hadn't even had to think about the steps. Oliver was leading so confidently, I had just trusted him, literally every step of the way, and it had been wonderful.

And in the bank vault, when we had read those letters out loud to each other – I couldn't help but remember the many experiences and adventures we had shared over the past six months. Even though I had been scared for my life, Oliver's calm demeanour and his unshaking faith had helped me keep it together until the very end when my emotions were running wild. It had been his touch, his strong arms wrapped around me, that had helped me regain my composure. I had never felt that way – the fear, panic, sadness, and frustration just seeped away and instead a calm and warmth had spread through me. The fact that he had such a power over me shocked me so much I forgot to be afraid.

"Becky", I whispered. "I'm scared. I have fallen for Oliver. I have lost my heart and soul to him and I am not sure if he wants them."


	3. Chapter 3: Let's Talk About the Letter

_*Continuing on from the first two chapters, where we explored the inner turmoil Oliver experienced when he mailed his letter to Holly and Shane's reaction to it. This chapter is set two weeks after Oliver mailed his letter and he finally gets his nerves up to talk to Shane about it. But then, just when he is about to say something that will change their lives forever... well, you kind of need to read it to learn what happens.*_

I has lost count of how many times I had looked over to her desk in the past hour, let alone in the two weeks since I mailed my letter to Holly. More than once I had caught Ms McInerney staring at me, with obvious concern in her eyes, sometimes even resignation and sadness.

It was that sadness that pierced through my heart. I couldn't take it anymore. Even though I believed the right thing to do would be to wait until I had heard back from my wife, I felt that leaving my co-worker in a state of uncertainty was not appropriate either.

I took a deep breath. "Ms McInerney?"

Shane looked up from the research she was doing. Her eyes were that amazing greyish green color and each time they met and held my gaze, I felt butterflies in my stomach. It was a strange sensation, something I had never experienced before and therefore I had never truly understood what the phrase meant. Until I had met Shane McInerney. That Holly had never caused anything close to this feeling had given me a great deal of thought over the past few months.

Folding my arms behind me back, I stepped around my desk and approached Shane's. "I wanted to talk to you about … the letter."

By the way Shane's eyes grew wide and she inhaled sharply, I knew she had never expected me to broach that subject.

"Oliver, there's no need…" she started, but I held up a hand and thankfully, she fell silent.

"On the contrary, Ms McInerney. You've been nothing but supportive … and a truly great friend to me. I feel like I owe you an explanation."

My throat was suddenly very dry and I had to cough. Shane was always having that effect on me - that slight nervousness, that slight increase of my heartbeat and the feeling of having to expect the unexpected. Yet this time, I reminded myself, I would be the one with the unexpected news.

"The letter I mailed, it was for Holly, my wife." _'Well, course it was.'_ That was not what I wanted to say. But Shane just kept looking at me and my thoughts became even more jumbled.

I tried again. "When we were locked into that bank vault … It made me evaluate our current predicament and my recent past. You had already forced me to see some truths I had been … avoiding and that evening, faced with the possibility of death, many things came into focus. You were right, Ms McInerney, I had stopped living my life and was waiting for something to happen without taking charge and forcing a change."

"A change you hope your letter will bring?" she asked softly.

I wondered if Shane was aware how clearly her emotions showed on her face. She tried so desperately to keep them in check, but I saw how much she wanted - needed - to know what the letter had said. I knew what she felt for me - I had known for some time. But, judging by how careful she had been treading around me for the past weeks, she had no clue about the state of my feelings and it didn't seem right to keep her in the dark any longer.

"Yes, Ms McInerney. My intention was to acquire clarity on the status of … my marriage. I need to make sure that the path I want to pursue can be pursued." I gave her a small smile, encouraging the hope that I saw blossoming on her face. "You think of me as old-fashioned, and in light of how many people treat their promises nowadays, it might seem rightly so. But I made a vow before god and before my wife, and even though she doesn't seem to honor that vow, I cannot simply step away from it. Dissolving this bond…"

"Oliver?" a female voice suddenly called through the DLO, interrupting me.

The words died on my lips. The breath was forced from my lungs and my legs went weak, so weak I had to grip Shane's desk for support. Spots were dancing before my eyes and if someone would have suddenly punched me into the stomach, I couldn't have felt any worse.

"Oliver, are you okay?" Shane's voice penetrated the fog that was descending upon my my brain. Her eyes, so wide and hopeful just seconds ago, were clouded with worry and surprise. Yet her face was my anchor and I pulled myself from my shocked silence, never letting my gaze wander from hers, not believing this was happening in this moment, the moment I had chosen to take destiny into my own hands, finally. But it seemed as if destiny would place one more hurdle before me before it let me have my way. I took a deep breath, then I turned.

Holly, my wife, stood in the DLO.


	4. Chapter 4: Half A Conversation

_** Thanks to all of you who left a review. Not just does it motivate me, but I also tweaked this chapter a bit after the most recent review to tease you a bit more. You make me write for YOU – please keep the feedback coming, it's inspiring! And don't blame me for what happens next, it's all your guys's fault ;) _

_This chapter is the direct continuation of Chapter 3, where we explored Oliver's POV. Now we learn how Shane saw it happening and what occurs immediately after the stranger walks into the DLO.**_

* * *

I held my breath when Oliver cleared his throat again, desperately trying to control my beating heart. _'Pursuing the path he wants to pursue?'_ I couldn't help catching my breath as the possible implications of that sentence swept over me. But that … would that mean…

"Oliver?"

I hadn't even heard her come in, I'd been too captivated by Oliver's sky blue eyes, the look of compassion on his face, and the cute smile he had just given me.

But now all color drained from his face and his eyes widened in shock. He held my gaze, as if afraid to turn around, as if I was the only thing he could cling to. Well, except for my desk which he gripped, his knuckles going white. I was almost out of my seat, worried about his sudden weakness.

"Oliver, are you ok?" I asked, not knowing what to do.

His eyes bore into mine and I gasped when I saw all the pain and sadness that threatened to overwhelm him. I had only once before seen the same emotions in his eyes – when I had told him that his wife had rented an apartment for three years in Paris, clearly not intending to come back. Back then he had also looked lost and forlorn – just as he did now. But now he straightened up and turned to face the stranger who had walked into the DLO.

She was about my age and seemed completely out of place. Her costume looked extremely elegant, her high heeled shoes made me jealous, and her perfectly manicured fingers delicately held a fashionable purse and leather travel bag. Her entire appearance just screamed "world flair", someone sophisticated, a traveler straight from a fashion walk in Paris.

_'Oh. My. God.'_

"Holly." Oliver's voice was barely audible. His posture was erect and confident, but after more than six months of knowing him, I could tell he was shaken to the core, no matter his outward appearance.

"Hello, Oliver. Looks like I was right in thinking that you are still working long hours. Good thing I came here instead of home."

_'That was Oliver's wife?!'_ She looked like a model, but she also seemed to have an aloof attitude. Either she enjoyed making Oliver uncomfortable or she didn't notice his discomfort, which she should considering how her eyes traveled from his eyes to his shining shoes and back again.

"You look … stunning." Of course. Oliver was always the gentleman, even if his own wife had just offended him with what she had said and the way she looked at him. "Did you just arrive from …"

"Paris, yes. I got your letter two days ago. I thought coming in person would be faster than writing. There's a lot we need to discuss."

I couldn't help but dislike her. Even if I hadn't known who she was, she just ticked me off. Her voice was cool and distant and I half expected her to wave her hand dismissively. As it was, my heart broke for Oliver all over again. I don't think he had envisioned the reunion with Holly quite that way, not with this feeling of distance and cold-heartedness.

Speaking of Oliver: he looked over his shoulder and I saw the plea in his eyes. It didn't take a lot to realize that he would much rather deal with this situation without an audience. That was my cue.

"Uhm, I think, I need to go and buy groceries. Completely forgot. Need to run."

I grabbed my purse. As I walked past Oliver, his eyes capture mine. "Ms McInerney" – he hesitated for a moment as if to find the right words – "good night."

"Good night, Oliver. See you tomorrow. Mrs O'Toole."

I almost gagged, addressing her with _his_ name, but I needed to keep it together. Just a few more steps to get out of the office, then out of the build….

"Ouch!"

Trying to get my bearings I held on to the first thing I got my hands on. Coming out of the DLO I had run smack into _something_ that was blocking my escape.

"Sorry, ma'am", a man shouted from about five yards down the corridor. "We're stuck for the moment, but just give us a few minutes and we'll have this baby moved."

_This baby_ was the new conveyor belt for the parcels station, a monster of a technical device which blocked the entire corridor, basically pinning me to the door of the DLO with no breathing room left. But in perfect position to hear what was said inside. I groaned - how could fate conspire against me in such a merciless way?

Panicking, I looked around, but there was no way to get out around the conveyor belt, under it, or even above it. At least not with the skirt I was wearing. I sent a blazing look upwards. _'Really, universe? You think this is funny?'_ Neither did I expect a reply nor did I get one. Much worse – instead I started to hear voices from the office behind me.

I couldn't understand every word with the workers around my trying to get the technical monstrosity moving again. Despite telling myself not to eavesdrop, I just couldn't help but straining to hear more.

"No … never agree … divorce", I heard Holly say.

"…not have considered divorce either…." I heard Oliver say calmly. My knees buckled. _'What?'_ But, hadn't he been just about to tell me how he wanted to pursue a certain path? Had I misunderstood him so completely?

With a loud bang, the conveyor belt machine moved and suddenly I was free. Without waiting another second, fearing to hear something else that would deliver a blow I couldn't handle anymore, I stormed away, running through the building, trying to get as far away from the DLO as I could.

I didn't even realize I was crying until I sat behind the steering wheel of my parked car, unable to drive because my vision was blurry.


	5. Chapter 5: A Verbal Duel

_** Sorry for keeping you all waiting, but I kinda had a vacation to attend to, so that's why there was a break. Now that I'm back, I hope to continue with the story at a faster pace._

_If you haven't read the previous chapter, please do because otherwise this one might not make too much sense to you. Let me know what you think, I love to use your feedback while writing the next chapters. Oh, you will love them ;) Thanks for reading! **_

* * *

I dreaded going back to the office today. After all, I had spent the entire night moping on my couch like some teenage girl, but I was just so confused about my feelings and about what I had overheard the day before.

Oliver was the most honest person I knew so I was sure he wouldn't say something to me that wasn't true. On the other hand, he hadn't truly said anything. He had hinted at something and I had simply taken a leap and interpreted his words. It was possible my heart had taken a turn where my brain wouldn't have and I had come to the wrong conclusions.

That was the only explanation. I had looked for something and therefore found it. It wasn't Oliver's fault, I could only blame myself. Still, that didn't take the pain away and it did nothing to curb my frustration.

When I entered the DLO, head held high as to not give away how crushed I really was, it was like walking into a wall of ice. The atmosphere was so frosty that a polar bear would have shivered and winced.

As it was, my steps faltered and my eyes found Rita standing over at Norman's desk, both of them looking terribly uncomfortable and wringing their hands.

Their wide, terrified eyes found mine and then fluttered to Oliver's desk where…

"Holly? I mean… Mrs O'Tool?"

She was sitting in Oliver's chair as if she belonged, her long legs crossed and an arrogant look on her face.

"Ah, the elusive Ms McInerney. How good of you to join us. I'm surprised, I would not have expected anyone under Oliver's supervision to be late. He usually doesn't abide that. But then, he usually isn't late either", she added, annoyed.

My fake smile started to hurt. I bit my lips to keep myself from hurling a scathing reply at her. _'Keep your cool. She's Oliver's wife.'_

"Enjoying your time back home?" I said instead. Honestly, I couldn't care less, but anything else I wanted to say would end in me using a type of language my parents would be ashamed of. "And good morning Rita, good morning Norman."

Holly laughed. "Oh, goodness, no. Denver is so _provincial_. I always knew that, of course, but just a few weeks in Paris taught me just how blind I really had been. There's nothing worthwhile here."

While I was still processing that last sentence, Holly turned to my co-workers. "And I can't believe the two of you are still here. Don't you have _any_ ambitions? Don't you want to _do_ something with your lives?"

"But … we are changing people's lives", Rita said in a small voice and looked to Norman for support. He obviously felt completely out of place, arguing with his boss's wife, but it seemed that Rita's discomfort made him shake off his own doubts. "That's right", he said. "We make a big difference. Even the postmaster general has recognized that and has awarded all of us the **Dark of Night** awards."

Holly looked over her shoulder to the gleaming set of metal cups neatly arranged on Oliver's drawer. "I never understood his fascination with this piece of garbage. If the postmaster general really recognizes your value, he should give you a pay raise."

Rita and Norman looked as hurt as I felt. "You cannot attach a price tag to everything", I said quietly.

"Oh, come _on_." Holly waved her hand dismissively and puffed. I wanted to throw something nasty her way, but once more I exercised a surprising level of self-control by averting my gaze and staring at my laptop, willing it to boot up so I could start working and ignore Holly. If Oliver were here… Yes, if Oliver were here, would Holly act just like this, too? Or did she perform a different act for him, knowing that with his feelings for her, he could be easily fooled?

"It was you, wasn't it? You found out my address."

Holly's sudden question made me freeze.

"I guessed as much when I saw your desk. Oliver probably doesn't even know what Google is and his ethics wouldn't allow him to search for me. Rita and Norman…"

The way she didn't end that sentence infuriated me and I saw tears of frustration and hurt rising to Rita's eyes. Furiously I turned to Holly.

"Enough!" I whispered. "I don't know why you feel like you need to put down everyone around you, but that attitude is not welcome here." _And neither are you_, my tone of voice was implying. "Yes, it was me who found your address. Oliver didn't know what you intended to do and it just hurt seeing him waiting for any kind of sign from you. Obviously, I was right in assuming that you didn't intend to come back, seeing that you leased an apartment for three years and all."

"And why did you care if I left Oliver hanging in midair or not?" Holly asked scathingly. "You only would care if you had something to gain by telling him. What is it you're after? A promotion? His money? An affair with a section leader to brag about?"

Rita inhaled sharply. Norman dropped the book he had been twisting in his hands. I was out of my seat before I even realized it.

"How _dare_ you!" I was so angry I could hardly speak. "Even if you have such a low opinion of me, don't you know to whom you are married? Oliver's the most upstanding, honest, faithful, and reliable man I know. He would _never_ ever do anything of this kind. If you don't know that, if you really believe what you just said, you don't even deserve him."

A sharp cough from behind cut me off. I turned, fully prepared to tell whomever to get lost. But it was Oliver, and the look he was giving me was unreadable.

"Ms McInerney, Rita, Norman - good morning. Holly, I see you've met everyone."

Oliver's words were met with silence. How long had he stood there? What had he heard? He gave no indication.

"Ms McInerney, my wife and I have to attend to some business before lunch. Would it be too much to ask if you could make sure everything will be taken care of while I'm out of the office?"

My throat was dry and I felt all the fight drain from me. He wanted to spend time with this evil monster? Well, if he didn't see what a bi*ch she was, he deserved her.

"Sure", I said tiredly. "No problem at all."

I returned to my desk and tried not to watch Holly making a show of getting up and walking around Oliver's desk. He let her walk past him, not offering his arm but following her to the door. Before he too left the DLO, I looked up and caught him looking at him.

_'I am sorry.'_ He didn't say it out loud, but I didn't need Norman's lip reading skills to catch that.

"Me too", I whispered sadly.


End file.
